UNCERTAINTY

                    Dave pulled a box covered in red silk cloth inside his wooden cabinet. He then opened it and blew the dust that covered it. On top are kanji markings he wrote once before…it says “eternity and past”. It has been several years since he forgot who he was before and where he grew up. He tried to live a different life, very far from what used to be. He considered himself a stranger to his old self. It is better this way, he said to himself, peaceful and calm. The sea breeze blows through the windows traveling to him. The sound of the trees waving and the birds chirping was dreamy. Everything is at its place, as it should be.                  

                   He recalled what once said by his master in the Ryujukin dojo. In zen, darkness and light completes the day, but to a blind man he can’t recognize lightness and darkness. Both are true to you and to the other person. Both are truths that must be accepted. Failure to understand those truths is a failure to understand the self.
                   For most struggles and most wars of the inner self starts from trying to separate those truths and create a distinction of self. From what you are and what you should be and what the world want you to be and what the soul wants are multitudes of self that struggles within the self.  For those who can’t understand this leads to play and act and makes their world a stage, this is why pretentions, lies, deceit and acting are forged.
                   For some, I am what I am… would be a better answer to it all.
                   For some, losing the self – selflessness … would be a better answer to it all.
                  

                   Truth is, the person will never know the answers to it until it is there laid upon them or they can create those truths for themselves. One who seeks answers and the one who creates their own answers for themselves.
                    What are you?
                    A seeker, he responded.
                    Then all is well the master said.
                    When he started anew with himself, he was not a seeker, he was the one who creates. It was comfortable that way since all the answers are all created by himself. It’s a simple life with simple choices, no questions because everything is defined and forged. To calm the soul, answers have been created to himself on his own.
                     But like the zen circle, you can’t recognize where the circle starts or ends however, when you draw it you go back to where it begins.
                     He gave a deep breath.
                     He unlocked the hinge on the box and opened it. He wanted to reconcile with his past and wanted to find the answers for he is a seeker. The attacked that happened on the other night somewhat bothers him. Could it be her? No she couldn’t be. Nobody can survive that fall. As he continued to open the box, there lies the dagger that could have killed him that night. He changed his name to Dave Dawson as he moved to America, to escape assassination attempts. He survived many battles but as each life he takes and every death he faces. He has chosen to stop and move into a better life, as he would like to think it is.
                      The phone rang suddenly. He didn’t want to notice it but after a couple of rings he stood up to pick up the phone on the wall.

Sure…sure…what’s wrong?

           After they’ve done talking he went back to the box and locked it. Cleaned the place up for a while and prepared tea later for themselves. He glanced at the whole place if everything was okay and the tatami mats was always pleasing to his eyes.

Several minutes later, there was a knock on the door.

          He opened it and he looked at her. She looked beautiful on her fur coat but what he noticed more was the look in her eyes. She looked down, almost not wanting to face him.
         

          I’m sorry I ran away.

           He didn’t say a word to her. He held her hand and lead her inside. He took off her coat and hang it near the doorway. He smiled at her yet, she didn’t know if she was to smile back or look away still. He led her to sit on one of the futons on the floor. He then rushed to the kitchen to prepare the tea. He then took a cupful of it and gave it to her. She took it with both hands but still not looking at him in the eye.

           As she said those words, it gave off a different feeling inside her. True that she hated him but the more she said it that hate was more of an expression of how she loved him deeply. Saying I hate you has never felt so good for her. Then she can’t held back any longer, she burst into tears.

             Nothing….she said. Yet, she misses him so much. She wanted him so much. Yet, she can’t say it to him. She has her own struggles with himself and her feelings for him. She wanted the world and him, but to her she can only choose one. He understands this, he recalled the time when no choices was a better choice to stay with each other’s arms on that cliff with Ayame.

Hush. I’m here. Always here even if I hate you so much too.

          She put out an almost smile like gesture on her face. She is always amazed how he was so fast to know that hate was synonymous with love and both their meanings meet at the same time. He really have a way with her and his words always amuses her. She thought of him of as a really a charming man and even in simple talks they have was never dull. It’s always an experience that leaves her bewildered and happy.
           Even though every time he talks and he looks at her and his almost stupid smile makes her dumbfounded that she seems to be not with her right self,  she tried to control her expressions on her face. Controlling herself to be swept off by him just because there’s something irresistible with him. He wanted to pose a very serious question to him.